Hunsand
Member
Member # 2065
posted 04-04-2002 18:07
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As I have read the many posts thiese past months, I have learned so much that helps me with my own situation. It is almost two years since the first bomb drop. And the up and down of denying another woman and finally saying that there was. Then minimizing it because it was just an EA and not sexual. This is what I have learned from this board:
1. I have learned that even though my life has been totally blown apart , I can get stronger and better. It is a long and painful journey, but, it does slowly improve.
2. I have learned that even though I blamed myself horribly the first year, it has taken me another full year to understand that while I have made some mistakes he has made decisions which incredibly hurtful to all who loved him. He has acted so far out of his previous value system that friends and family ask where the person is they thought they knew.
3-Making decisions which hurt the ones you profess to have loved in order to boost yourself somehow will eventually amount to serious emotional consequences for him. He may not allow himself to recognize it now because his emotional armour is very thick, but, he will realize it someday.
4-If our marriage had weaknesses, he had a responsibility to share those directly with me . He had no right to seek out other women to share his emotional distress. His infidelity will never be excusable.
5-To minimize an affair is the most hurtful of all. Sneaking out at night to be with another woman is catastrophic to the woman left behind . The more time that passes, the more the hurt and anger is realized. And to model that behavior for his two sons is a second error of grand propotions.
6-I have learned that I am a good person with many skills and that many family and friends rallied mightily to me when I had my darkest moments. Strangers stopped and comforted me when they sensed my distress. I have learned that I will never look past anyone who needs such support in the future, because they were there for me.
7-I have learned that one can survive great challenges in ones life, but that it is an incredibly slow process. There is a great danger of giving yourself away to the pain and sorrow. I need to allow myself that time to heal and not get impatient to have happiness back at its old level. I need to not give anymore of myself away .
8-I have learned humility. Always having been the strong person whom people sought ought for advice and help, I learned I needed help desperately and how to accept it graciously.
9-I have learned that medication can help lift one out of the darkest moments and challenges. I have learned that tears can eventually dry up.
10-I have learned that spirtuality becomes more real in the midst of a crisis, but , that it will always be central to my life even after the crisis has passed.
11. I have learned that even though the mid-life crisis theory may or may not explain my husbands actions, his apologies mean nothing unless his actions change at the same time.
12-I have learned that one can lose the respect of friends and family in a second. And, that , whatever is pulling you away from those friends and family must be very powerful.
13-I have learned that this board has functioned far better for me than any support group could ever have provided. I know the pain the new folks feel as they write. I know a few things that I can write which might help. I know that there are some powerful folks on this board who share their experiences out of their care of others who hurt. I am grateful for their wisdom.
14-I have learned to be even closer to my two sons and deeply grateful for their sensitivity to my deep hurt and pain.
This is a lot to learn and I write it to remind myself that I have come a long way and to remind new folks here that our fog lifts over time as well and we do become stronger. Thanks for letting me share.
Hunsand
hurtin
MLC Survivor
Member # 1502
posted 05-21-2002 11:14
Nan:
You are not alone. You are not crazy. This is very, very normal.
Nan, think about all you have had to accept or adjust to in the past year. You have had to face the fact that the person you loved the most has betrayed you, lied to you, cheated on you, and left you. If that wasn't enough you have also had to deal with your children's hurt and confusion caused by your H leaving, the introduction of Ms. SoulMate into their lives; and now, the subsequent divorce. I call these Level I hurts.
Besides the above, you have had to deal with your feelings of loss, the death of a marriage, the loss of your family as you hoped it would be, your self-esteem, your feelings of abandonment, your children's anger, their crying at night because their daddy "isn't home." I call these Level II hurts.
And if that wasn't enough, we are expected to begin living a new life; to look inside ourselves for happiness; to help guide our children back to a place where they feel safe, and warm, and loved (and for a lot of us, without the help of our ex's); for some of us it means returning to the workplace; for many of us it means learning how to juggle life as a single parent. I call these Level III hurts.
Nan, with all that going on, is it any wonder we may stumble and fall?
At any given time, we are trying to resolve the "hurts." You cannot heal all the hurts at all the levels all at once. You must give yourself time.
I read somewhere that divorce is actually the death of a marriage. I believe this to be true. As such, it has to be grieved like a death. You will go through a deep emotional cycle ... anger, denial, etc., and many times you will repeat the cycle again and again until you are ready for acceptance. It may take you a while to process any one issue but once you do, and have gained acceptance, you will be free to tackle another issue. I think that's why we feel the "setbacks" so acutely. It's not really a setback ... it is just starting at ground zero on another issue. But to deal with a new issue means going back to the beginning and for many of us, that is a very painful place to be. All the wounds are re-opened and it feels like we are in "the pit" all over again. I think at this time it is helpful to remember how far we REALLY have come. Yes, it is painful to deal with all this sh*t but take comfort in the fact that you have survived -- even when you really thought you couldn't make it. I know you have always put your girls first and foremost and have taken steps to make your and their lives better. Be proud of that, Nan. It was no small feat.
You have jumped many hurdles to be here. Now, one of the most difficult looms ahead. This is one more thing to process and accept, Nan. Remember, you may have to go through the grieving process for a while here. That's okay. Expect to have bad days, days where you feel like you are moving in reverse, days where you do not want to get out of bed. But Nan ... do not let yourself get trapped here. Reach out to friends, get counseling, and most of all, consider the benefits short-term medication may have for you. I know anti-d's have some horrible connotations BUT, and I am speaking from the heart here, I could not have survived this mess without them. I do not advocate "poppin' pills" to solve your problems but I believe short-term anti-d's can make all the difference in the world.
Good luck to you, nan. Keep posting. We don't hear from you enough.
Take care of yourself and believe.
hurtin'
quote:
Posted by Faithey2002 (Member # 1865 05-24-2002, 23:51:
Memorial weekend 2000, was the last weekend that I was together with my H & son, still acting as if we were a family with a future. I recall even making future plans with his relatives up north to go camping later on that summer.
2 days after Memorial weekend, he walked out....one bag in his hand, telling me that when he left he wasn't going to return, telling me at that time that the only person I thought about was myself, even though my last words to him, were "what about our son."
As most of you know I found this site that night, found dear sweet Peggy, who went out of her way to advice me, and give me sane support that I so needed at that time, I met Matt, and JohnD, Rhonda, Maggie, Camille, Kimmy and so many others who were crossing this path in their lives at the same time.
I was lost, and so frightened, I didn't know how I was going to survive one day, let alone a full blown crisis. I begged, I cried, I pleaded....everything they say was wrong to do, I probably did. I had also just spent the past 9mths prior to his leaving, walking on eggshells and pretending 'as if' we were going to be alright.
Nothing in my life at that time was alright, my dad was gone, his dad was gone, my business adventure had blown up in my face, I was jobless, and I had just had the one and only person I truly believe in walk out the door with not even so much as a sincere goodbye.
I can look back now, and if I allow myself I can replay each event over and over in my mind, I still see that crumpled person sobbing on the bed, not knowing if the tears were ever going to run out. I can still see that frightened person, who only believed the best in everyone, begging to God to let it all end now for me, I didn't want to go on, I didn't want to see tomorrow, I just wanted it to end today.
So many bumps in the path, so many emotions, so much love for one man that never had it in him to love me the same in return. I didn't know how to shut it off, I didn't know how to quit loving him, I didn't believe I would ever love again, ever allow myself to even come close to this feeling again.
The first year passed so quickly, so many things happening all at once, I don't even know how I put one foot in front of the other most days, don't know how I managed to find my sanity again, but I did.
I tackled each new fear as it approached me, each new challenge as if my life depended on it, and it did, it depended on me (no one else but me) to make something out of the mess I was left with.
I dealt with the rejection, the crushed dreams, the overwelming feelings of failure. And I rose up out of the ashes so to speak, a new stronger, more determined individual.
I look at life differently now, little problems are just that "little". Little losses are just that "little". I don't worry much about tomorrow and what it will bring, because I feel like I have faced so many big losses that other than loosing my son, nothing can touch me in the same way as loosing both my parents and my husband/marriage.
I'm not a hardened person because of what life has taught me, if anything I think I am much more real, and compassionate than ever before. Those rose colored glasses were disposed of long ago, and I think I have a better meaning of what life is suppose to be for me.
I still trust, to a point.....I think I trust myself more than anyone, trust that I will find my way through the rest of this journey, and even if I hurt, I know that I will heal.
I've moved on, in fact most recently moved away from the City that reflected my life with my ex, no longer is he a daily reminder to me, no longer does my past haunt at every turn.
I feel as if life is opening up another big door for me, and I'm about to step through into another level of my life. More secure, more self-assured than ever before.
My son is blossoming again, the crisis that stunted his love for living, has been removed, and he is happy and free, like every child should be. He has his sad moments, but he talks when he needs to, and the best thing is that I know he is proud to call me mom, we have a bond that is stronger than ever now.
My ex, well last I knew he was still up to his old games, doing things, saying things, trying to get a reaction out of me I think, I imagine in time the dance will end for him too, when he finally realizes he no longer has a dance partner.
I can't say I ever really learned how to turn off the love I have for him, it's a different kind of love, it's not a desperate feeling, just a feeling of being there.
The New Man in my life is still there, and we are still getting to know each other, through lives experiances, we both still have a long path to go individually, but I do have to say this relationship is so much different than my first, this time around I'm nurturing myself as well as the relationship, and I'm saving a peice of myself that only I can treasure.
I've learned that respect is a key to the people I want in my life, I have to have the respect for them no matter what else, and I have replaced the people who I thought were real, with people who seem so much more real to me now.
They call this a crisis, we renamed it a journey a long time ago.....and I've realized too that I don't want the journey to end, I never again want to feel so safe and secure that life can shake me up and spit me out, I want to always know that life is what it is today, that today is our only guarantee, and tomorrow is what dreams are made of.
I treasure so many of the friendships that I have formed here, and have so much respect for so many of the people that have shared this journey with me.
I can never put into words just exactly how helpful so many of you have always been to me, If I was to allow myself to shed a tear right now, it would be tears of joy and gratitude, for having done more than survive. With the help of what started out as total strangers.
2yrs ago, my life ended as I knew it, I will never regret that happening, and always think of it as something that needed to happen to bring to me where I am today.
Ok so I've released these thoughts, thanks
for letting me ramble once again.....
Love
Wanda
quote:
Posted by Amethyst on 06-24-2002, 11:13:
Most of us know about the anger and the hurt that a spouse or significant other can cause when they step outside of the marriage. It takes a long time to heal. Three months in the scheme of the depth of pain you are probably in really isn’t that long. The pain, anger and the feeling of "loss of trust" take a ling time to subside even when the person who caused it does all the right things afterwards.
I can only say that it took about six months before the constant ache started to subside for me, and I stopped thinking of it daily. I HATED the feeling of re-growing the trust over the hurt he had caused. What a lot of work! It took about a year before I really started getting past it. I always told him that I had to be willing to trust him, that I couldn’t live with someone I didn’t trust, because it would emotionally eat me alive.
One of the things that helped was that he was willing to talk. We used the situation to really work on our communication. It was painful, but it helped. My husband is one of those guys who can sit around and listen to other people's problems and give them a shoulder to lean on, but opening himself up to that extent is seldom done. I learned more about the affair than I really wanted to know, but I knew that we both needed to really talk it ALL out. The affair was a symptom not just something that stood alone. So we would take walks a couple of times a week for an hour or two and talk. We talked about what we each wanted, we talked about the kids, we talked about feelings, and the pain each of us was feeling. We talked about dreams and the death of them. We tried really hard to be non-judgmental and listen to each other. (That was a tough one.) We did this for about a month. Then I backed off and just did a "weekly" checkup.
"Hey, how are you doing with "fill in the subject". I always make sure I used a friendly, non-judgmental tone. Just to let him know I wasn't trying to pick an argument or pick at him. I approached it as a friend who was concerned. It got me a lot further than emotion. Also I could choose the time I was emotionally strong enough to take in information I really didn't want to know.
I also consciously pulled myself from dwelling on the negative. I realized I was hurting and angry for lots of different reasons, but I focused on the positive. He was still at home, they had dropped contact, he was talking to me, he was spending time with the kids, etc. It helped a lot. It didn't really replace the pain, anger and hurt, it just helped me keep from letting them get bigger in my mind. I will tell you that sometimes I wondered if it was really worth the effort. Then I would go through the mental exercise of moving myself out. Work out the daily life alternative in my head. Not the romantic one, but the probably real one. Where would I live, how my expenses and income would be cut, how my daily life would change, what choices would again be only mine (house decorating) to make and which ones (kids) wouldn't. After crawling out of bed in the morning what would a typical day be like, etc. It helped me feel like the work I was doing was probably the easier way to go even with the hurt.
Was this the end of it? No several years later (Last November I got "the Speech", from a very confused hurting man, who offered me the chance to toss him out. He didn't want to talk as much as before, but he was communicating. I let him talk it out and asked some questions to clarify it all in my mind. The result was that I wasn't willing to let go yet and he really didn't know what he wanted. So again I backed off, and did the let's take his emotional temperature bit. I also worked on not feeling personally rejected even when I was. I was casually affectionate even when he was a board. I initiated almost all the sex. (OH well) I also started to seriously look at life without him and sat down for the first time and really looked at what I wanted in life unconditionally. I realized that the big things I still want don't involve my marital status. I avoiding doing this for years because I was afraid that there might be something I wanted to do that would conflict with my marriage. What a relief I found that it didn't. Most of it doesn't even involve him other than as someone I live with and need to schedule around a bit. Doing this helped me from falling into despair that the anger and pain was coming up again from before and with the new. I wouldn't let myself dwell about the unfairness of it all. After all if life were really fair we would all spend more of our lives in third-world countries.
Does this have a "Happy Ending"? For now it does. In February he started the say three little words again-"I love you". He told me that he absolutely didn't want a divorce and that he was finally feeling like he was coming up to normalcy after more than five years. Was it all bad-no. But we definitely had some crisis points and lots and lots of pain, anger, hurt and confusion. Will it come up again? I don’t know. My crystal ball is on back order. I think the delivery date has been pushed back to the day after I die.
Amethyst
quote:This from Jane:
Posted by jeannine's husband (Member # 2969 09-02-2002, 03:59:
I think the sad part about this midlife crisses as everyone calls it, is that it is so misunderstood by all who have not gone through it them selves (but will one day no doubt have to experience it them selves). I say this because I never even really thought that I would ever be in such a group myself. I thought I knew who I was and everything was fine. At least that is what I believed at the time.
I grew up thinking that we work hard and that I never really had a lot of potential in life other then what I was given. I always tried to be grateful for the things I had in my life no matter how little it was.
My mother smothered me and my dad really didn't pay much attention to me till I was in my late teens. He never showed much in the line of attention and my mother gave to much. Too the point I think she lived for her family and had nothing else in her life.
Before i got married I had a great paying job, worked 6 to 7 days a week at 10 and 8 hour days.
I then got m,arried to a women who already had a daughter who was 3-4 at the time. I took that little girl under my wing and within a year we had another little girl who was born with a disability in her one leg and foot. It wasn't long before I had losdt my job and was off for almost a year when another job popped up just in time. I worked there for a year and a half again long hours but at this point its was because I now had a family to raise and take care of. All my past friendships slowly faded away and found myself with only my wife and her sisters and their husbands to socialize with.
After this place layed me off I was almost another year without a job, then once again God choice to jump in. This time I was a janitor working for $ 7 an hour. I remmeber the day they called me to start, I was excited at this point because there wasn't much in the line of jobs at that time, but also very sad because I had to miss my little girls first play at school. As a father I felt the pressure of having to work again to support the family but also I felt the pain of not seeing my baby on stage. That one hurt.
I work as a janitor for 5 years cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors, working 6-7 days trying to give my family what they deserved. I missed so much of my oldest daughters life due to my having to work so much, baseball games and such. Oh I always tried to be there for them, but I really missed out on the bonding to a certain degree anyways.
Afte five yeras of doing this work I was finally promoted to supervisor, mine you I still had to clean but it was better pay, well a few dollars more anyways. I did this for two years on top of this my wife watched our daughter go through 7 months of recovery from surgery on her leg, most of that time she was on pain killers of which she ended up just a little addicted to them so we had to ween her off them and watch her go through withdraw. But she made it and has turned out to be a very beautiful and intelligent young lady.
After two years of supervising I had a chance at another job where I worked 8 hours a day plus went to my cleaning job to work there 3 to 4 hours each night plus supervise on top of all this.At this point I had no life for really the past 7 years.It was spent mostly working.
Finally my big break cam I ws able to quit my two jobs and I went to work in an automotive plant that was new too the area. Got in at the ground floor.
At this point my dad took ill nad pretty much sat around and watched TV. Had to have help in getting to the washroom it had gotten so bad. That was very hard to watch this man I thought was invinsable slowly take such a turn for the worst. I can't remmeber how many times I had to run over to mom and dad's house bcause my dad had fallen and couldn't get up.
I became Union Chair person after less then a year of being at the new plant, but the pressure of listening to people bash me after tryionmg to help them and nothing ever being good enough for those sufish so and so's got to me. I put in for a supervisor postion and got the job. Twice the pay that I was getting, more then I ever made before. 14 days later I sat in the hospital night after night watching my dad fade away. After several nights of watching over him, I took a night off and went to work, wouldn't you know, he past away that very night.
I guess really that is when it al started or maybe it was jsut finally building to the point where my psych couldn't take it anymore and I began the process of shuting down. I was told that there were times when I would stare at the wall and not hear a singal word spoken to me. I don't really remember much for the past two years. Just that I remember at times I was so lost in myself that I honestly felt that I was the only one left in the world. I could feel the darkness all around me. I remember at times I would be around people and still felt so alone that I wanted to run. They call it panic attacks.
Thanks for the intervetion of friends at work who noticed some major changes over a period of time, they convienced me to go to the doctors and see about getting on anti depresents. I must admitt I thought they were crazy at first, but after talking to my wife about I realized how much I had changed and turned into such a bastered to my kids as well as her. got onto the pills and over a period of time I finally started to see some hope. I then started to see a councler and that helped a great deal.Am I better now? No way I still have bouts of depression and I still get confused as to what I am doing in this world, I also have trouble remembering things, but I am much better then before that is for sure.
I have explored many avenues to get myself better. At one time my wife said I miss the old you. I said to her that I had no intention of going back wards and that after all the hell I went thjrough I was going to make sure I was better then ever before. Yoou see this is what I call a change of life not midlife crises. There comes a time in everyones life when they must wake up and really ask them selves what is it I really hunger for. So many peple have affairs, by new sports cars, run away or what ever. The point is that they search outside them selves for the answers, and eventually find out that nothing satisfies that hunger. They were looking in all the wrong places, we eventually realize that it is within ourselves that we must look, that is where the answers really are. Some never figure that out and end up living the rest of their lives in this state.
Even if the husband or wife do go down the right path and recover ther is no telling where that new path may lead, but remmeber that we never asked for this journey to go like this. We like yourselves found ourselves waking up one day and realizing that something had changed but didn't no what.Its painful and in some ways humilitating for us. Being angree or bitter toward us is only compounding the problem. I don't ask for sympathy only understanding for what we have or are going through. Don't take it personally, it was never our intent to do this. The call comes and we must answer that call. where it leads I don't know but once through it, it can i'm sure be wonderful.
One last thing. think about it, so many of you seem so strong and sure of yourselves because of what you went through. If you raelly look at yourselves aren't you better people, taking care of yourselves more and enjoying life , taking time out to smell the roses. Would you be that way now if we didn't go through all this.
We can all grow from any negative experince no matter how hard it seems to be to bare. We all go through pain to make us stronger. Its strange how life works things out when we get the hell out of the way.
.............
First: What pushed me to find other answers- well I had been sad for so long that it started to eat away at me, so much so I honestly thought I would never feel good again. Out of desperation and the idea of having to spend the rest of my life like this, scarred the hell out of me. Just as quickly as I seem to get into this mess without knowing why or how, things began to work towards a resolution.
People at work had noticed that I wasn't really myself anymore and they began to ask why, and really began to support me, at first I didn't want help because I was never really any good at excepting others help, but they wouldn't give up on me, their kindness began to wear me down. And one day a fellow supervisor came to me and mentioned that he reconized my symptoms as he had gone through the same thing a couple of years back, which I do remember after he had mentioned it, as I had to keep him from loosing his job while I was doing my roll as union Chair.
Anyways after coming home that day as my wife was giving me the old twenty question routine, (which by the way does not help at all but only pushes them away even further) I told her what my co-worker had suggested and out of desperation I called the doctor for an appointment.I also decided to call a special hot line that we have at work that provides free counceling over the phone and hooks you up with a counceler in your home town. As I told him of what was going on and the fact that I and my wife had a big fight over a lady friend from work, the counceler said I was going through a crisses and that I needed to remove myself from the environment to give my wife and I a time out period as if I didn't things would only get worst.
You see things will go for so long if left unattended and bgin to tear down the walls when the time is right. Your husband will either reconize it within himself and begin to work through it or it will fester as it diid to me and begin to force you to do something about it. Well that is if he has the proper support. don't nag him cause it won't help, don't tell him that he is a bastered because of what he is doing, he doesn't really understand what it is he is doing so you will just push him further into it as he is already feeling very poorly about himself.
Want to help, give him space and let him know that you love him unconditionally, tell him about the good things that you remember about him, jsut a little at a time, because if too much in the line of compliments will tip him off as too what you are trying to do, then he will know longer believe you or except anything from you.
Pay attention to him in little suddle ways, like tell him that he looks good today, or maybe go out and by him a card and withoput getting to deep just write some nice words about the wonderful things he has accomplished. Don't if you really love him and want to keep him, tell him that he needs to grow up, or how much of a poor father he is, etc... stay positive and stay the hell away from any negitive comments. If you start to feel like saying something negitive walk away till you can control it.
Remember if for some reason after all this he still wants to leave or what ever, then let him leave, don't push or pull, let go and trust that things have away of always working out, maybe not the way you want it to, but I find that when you let go and go with the flow things always work out one way or another.
Make sure that you yourself are taking of you. Find that peace within yourself, stop assuming that he is your only source of happiness, that can only come from within. Eventually he will know this, so I want you to realize also. Take this time and get to know you and what you really want deep down inside. Don't waste your time bashing him or feeling sorry for yourself, believe it or not this hard time can be benificial too you both if you let it. Out of every negitive there is always something positive waiting to be discovered. And stay in touch with this group, it will help talking about.
..........
God has always been a very important part of my life, in fact I spent pretty well my whole life trying to find this wonderful all consumming power of Love.
I believe that even if we don't believe in God this power is still active in our lives, sometimes we are just to consumed with the outer world to reconize it. God is the very frabric of life its self. We can not move with out moving trough God.
Though I have never attended church I have always felt that GOd was for all and not just a few that went to church. I really don't believe that God id in a church but is in all of us evry moment. And when I say within us, I mean within are pysches, within every organ, within each breath and heart beat. " I am closer than breathing near then hands and feet" "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee" This power couldn't because it is the real you and me. It is all there is and nothing can exist that is not of God.
And in case any one has doubts about God, it will never doubt you and knows whta and who you really are. A beautiful loving spiritual Being and that will never change but at times can be forgotten. At any moment in life that you awaken to this truth, you are forgiven and released from your missery.
As for your husband God is with him as well and he will be okay, at some point in this life or the next, he will find his way back home within himself that is for sure. Just remember that nothing in this world was meant to last forever, as the old fades away something new comes into too replace it.
I will keep your husband in my prayers and will send reiki to him. But in the end all is well for God is in the field ever being watchful.
As for you I am glad you found the positive out of this and wish you a wonderful fulfilling life. There is so much for us all to learn in life and it can be hard or you can go with the flow and learn your lessons well. Wer our selves decide how easy or hard it is going to be.
Oh something I would like to sugesst if anyone is interested. I am using technology too help reach deeper levels of myself. Using sound waves to drive your brain to higher states. If anyone might be interested check out Centerpoint Reseach Institute. They even have a demo you can down load to listen too. Give it a try if you dare to be free of the past conditioning.
God Bless
Terry
quote:
Posted by Ian'sJane (Member # 2172 09-02-2002, 12:06:
Terry
I read your post with not a few tears... Although my childhood and work experience have been very different to yours, i too went through my father's illness and subsequent death which floored me completely, then the depressive illness which followed, serious enough to put me in hospital for weeks at a time over the space of seven or eight years.
When i felt i was coming out of this, i really wanted to rebuild my life in ways that i had never experienced before - i wanted to study, better myself, become more independent. I didn't want to do this on my own, at first, but i felt my H was holding me back, trying to force me back into the passive mould i'd been in for so long while i was ill. Eventually i cracked, and ran away, thinking it was the only way i could possibly become the person i needed to be. I did it, i worked, got myself a house (the first ever house i'd got on my own), maintained it, kept up in work to support myself, felt great about being independent.
I had an OM, he was very encouraging, made me feel young and confident again, made me feel needed and useful, which was something i hadn't felt for a lot of years. I'd grown up thinking i wasn't very intelligent and would never shape up to the standard of my brother and sisters, but now i was effective and useful and had meaning to my life! That was such a great feeling!
All through this time though, there was one very important thing missing... i really wanted to share my successes with my best friend.
Before things started to go really pear shaped for me and my H we were good together, "the ideal couple", the ones all our friends thought would NEVER break up. There was obviously something very special there at one time because we would never have got together and started a family if there wasn't! However, i couldn't remember that - all i could see was that i'd left because i couldn't bear to be trapped any more - trapped with my children AND my husband, in a role that i didn't belong in, in a house that i hated, a city that was depressing me even more, and my H wasn't prepared to see how badly it was affecting me and try to help us as a family out of it. He was quite happy to carry on the way we were, regardless of how i felt and what i needed. So yes, i can understand you perfectly when you say "we must answer that call".
I know i would not have recovered and changed for the better if i hadn't left home. I also know that my H wouldn't have changed either - we needed a kick up the *ss to make us realise it was time to change, to grow.
The mistake i made, and i can see it now as things become clearer, was in thinking that i HAD to lose my husband and children in order to make enough of a difference. The negative aspects of my life and our relationship seemed overwhelming at the time and i couldn't see anything possibly positive coming out of staying. As time went on though, i realised that maybe i was missing out - although i had gained SO much in the way of self-respect and confidence, i was still missing my husband. Not the stress of the family, but the companionship of someone who knew me so well. Even though i'd grown and changed so much, i was still basically the same person i'd always been, just with added "something". In some ways i was more like i'd been when i was younger, when me and my H first met; in other ways i was completely new, moving in different directions than i'd ever thought i would before, but i was still "Jane", just evolved.
I believed that my H could never even consider having me back, so much so that i didn't even think about the possibility for a long time. If he'd said some of the things to me that i'd said to him i would be incredibly hurt, if he'd done some of the things that i had, i don't know that i could forgive him. It was hard to admit that maybe i'd been hasty, maybe i hadn't given our family enough of a chance to change the things that had to be changed if we were to stay together. That was especially hard because all i could do was judge that by MY feelings. So the conclusion i stuck with for so long was that i had made my bed, i had to lie in it. My H and kids would be better off coming to terms with the fact that i'd gone and wasn't coming back; he could never forgive me for what i'd done; I couldn't hurt them any more. Something my H said to me at that time really struck home though - "That isn't YOUR decision to make. You can't decide how much *I* can accept and forgive". I think i realised then that i was actually doing something that i had hated so much when he did the same - making MY decisions for me, assuming he knew my thoughts and feelings, knowing what was best for me. Well, he didn't always know what i felt, he didn't know what was best for me - THAT WAS MY DECISION TO MAKE, not his! So, reversing this, i realised that i could not make assumptions or decisions about how HE felt and what he would like or accept. If he felt he wanted me to come home, he loved me, he could forgive me - who was I to tell him he was wrong?? All i had to do was decide FOR MYSELF whether i wanted to work at making our family survive. I had the opportunity, he'd made that more than clear - i just had to decide whether i wanted to make the effort to rebuild our family. I knew there were a lot of things that HAD to change if i were to come home. I knew i couldn't return to living the way we had been for the last few years, things had to be different. I knew it was going to be HARD WORK, and i had to make the decision whether i was capable of doing that. My H had already confirmed that he was able and willing to work at things, and that he wasn't prepared to let things slip back into old patterns either, so i had to believe him there.
You must realise by now that i came home. I'd been away 5 months. I left my OM, broke all contact, and came home. It was hard - this man had been very supportive of me at a difficult time, and he didn't really deserve to be abandoned either, but my loyalties and responsibilities HAD to lie with my family - after all i'd invested 19 married years there, i didn't feel i could give it all up when there seemed to be a chance of making things right. If things didn't work out, despite both of our best efforts, then i would leave again (on my own this time), and my H agreed that this seemed sensible.
I made no promises to love him and be with him the rest of my life. I promised to work on our problems and see if we could make a NEW life together as a family. I've been back 5 months now, the same amount of time i'd been away. Things are not easy, but i'm starting to feel convinced that i've now made the right decision, and taken the right steps to make things better than they were. I honestly feel love for my H again, more than i thought i would when i first came back, which i take as confirmation that i was very confused before, and i'm coming out of "the fog" now. He, in turn, has been very patient with me, helping me understand when i've needed help, and giving me space to work things through in my mind when i've needed that. He made changes to himself that were needed to make our family work, and i've done the same for myself. We're both working on keeping up those changes, and it isn't easy, but it seems it's going to be WELL worthwhile!
I believe that when you marry, you marry for life. When you bring children into the world, you have a responsibility to nurture and care for those children. That means doing all you can to make life stable for them, and ideally that means a mother AND a father, and showing them a good example of family life. Even if those children are grown, they still take example from their parents as to how a good relationship should be. If they see their parents splitting up, going their separate ways, that can be hurtful, but it can also be positive if it's handled the right way. But if it's approached with an "I give up" attitude, that CAN'T be good for them. They should be able to see that BOTH parents did all they could to maintain and rebuild what was a good relationship, through good times and bad. That's what i want for my children.
Well, this has turned into a BOOK!! See what you did for me, Terry? No other poster has made me dig so deeply into how i feel and reveal it here... I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or not, but i think it is! So, thank you, and apologies to all for writing a tome!
Jane xxx
quote:
Posted by texasgal (Member # 2967 09-02-2002, 15:31:
I have been reading alot of post on this site lately and after reading Terry and Jane's post I have sat back and took a good long look at my life this past 1 1/2 years.
I am now wondering if maybe I am the one in MLC and not my H? Let me start from the begining and see what ya'll think. (This is going to be hard)
I am 35 years old and in January of 2001 my H got a new job. I was so happy at that time but remember that over a couple of months I started noticing changes in him and felt like he was leaving me behind.
Then in March of the same year his uncle passed away and it was very hard on the whole family. this was a man who was very looked up to and respected very much.
Then in April H found a spot on his head and seemed very worried about it. I on the other hand found it as nothing to worry about. (found out this year it is skin cancer)
Then in May my oldest daughter graduated high school. This was a happy time in my life but also a sad time.
Then in July daughter moved out. I have never in my life felt the way I felt when she moved. I cried for days would not let my H comfort me I pushed him away.
I remember thinking my life was over even though I had two kids still at home I felt numb. I felt as though no one needed me anymore and now what in the world was I going to do?
I had been nothing but a mother and wife for 18 years and I had no life of my own. So I started thinking it was time for me. What did I want.
Realized I wanted a change....I wanted to go back to school and get my G.E.D. and start making something of myself. This whole time I now realize that I was pushing my H away but at the same time I was trying to hold on to him with everything I had. (so confussing)
Well I realized what I wanted and nothing seemed to be going my way. This all started in November. I tried going back to school and found out I could do nothing until Jan. 2002 so now I am really getting nowhere fast.
I started wondering to myself if this was the life I was suppose to live. No changes what so ever. Well I started getting in a depressed state of mind. I remember a many of times my H asking me if I still loved him. of course I loved him but now look back and think maybe I wasn't showing him. I look back and see it was all about me.what I wanted and what I need at that time in my life.
Well in Jan. I also started a diet. I am 4'11" and weight 200 lbs not good. I started working on me figured out I was not happy at all. I still took care of my H and kids but this was not what I wanted to do, think I did it out of routine. started blameing my H for everthing that was going wrong. I was not supportive of him anymore everything he said I would take the wrong way.
More or less I look back now and realized that I pushed him away. In April the bomb hit me...I didn't want my H to leave still wish he was here but as you all know he left..funny thing is I never cried when he told me he was leaving. I even helped him pack and move into his apartment.
Even after all this I thought H was the one in MLC
I blamed him for everthing. He told me when he left that he still loved me and that this was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Even to this day my H has not told me he does not love me. He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore but he hasn't told me he doesn't.
I see the look in his eyes the sound in his voice and I know that he still loves me and cares for me but I also know that I have caused alot of damage to my marriage and that I and no one else can fix it. I have come to realize that my marriage is over and it is not his fault.
I just woke up to late and even thought he is doing alot of things I don't like or never thought he would do I am starting to understand these things.
I am not blameing myself for all this but I do see where I played a big part in it. And now that I have woke up I don't like what I see and feel.
The pain that has been caused by all of this is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy or anyone for that matter. but this is something that I have to deal with in my own time and I have alot of things that I must work on within myself.
I have gone and got my G.E.D. and I lost 70 lbs and did alot of things in my life that I never thought I could do and I am in some ways a happier person but know that I have also caused alot of pain to alot of people in my life and now I must work on repairing that.
I know now why it was so easy to forgive my H but up until now I never thought about forgiving my self. I want to thank you all for being here for me and supporting me. And know that you are all special to me even though I don't know ya;ll personally. I feel like ya'll are all friends to me and helped me in ways you will never know.
I will also say that tis has been a real wake up call for me and I just pray that I can fix some of the damage that has been cause and I know that the first thing I must do is forgive myself.
Well I have alot of letters to write to some very special people in my life so I will close now but please remember that you all are also very special people to me because with out you all I would have never made it to this point in my life and I want to give you all a big thank you from the bottom of my heart.
quote:
Posted by Cyberdude (Member # 2364 08-26-2002, 15:36:
Hey guys;
Well, I guess the detatchment thread has been on here long enough. Now it's time to debate or discuss changing YOUR life even when you had no choice in this whole ordeal.
We have all heard that common phrase "take care of you"; but what does it mean really?
When the crisis first hits, we immediatly start jumping through hoops in hopes that the spouse will pay attention long enough to see that you are trying. But what are you trying? Are you trying to kiss the *** of the one that left to the point of losing yourself. I mean, lets face it, most of us, as did our spouse, lost ourselves (to a point) along the way somewhere. That is why our situations are what they are. Kissing their *** will do NOTHING but drive them further away. Why? Because true happiness is an aura (spelling?) not a statement nor an act.
We get so wrapped up in this crap that we think that the only way to true happiness is with our spouse. Bull%#*&!!!! True happiness is with ourselves! We need to continue to detatch; not necessacerlly keeping them in the dark as to what we are up to; but, not jumping through the hoops for them. Of course, they will automaticly think you are jumping through hoops; but that is just their arrogance that causes them to think that way.
How do you take care of yourself? First, you have to forget about what it is that you think they want you to be like. Then you go back to the point in your life that you were happiest and look at yourself then. Before you met your spouse. Teh reason you need to go back to then I think is because you were very attractive at that point in your life. How do I know that? Because you were so happy that you attracted the love of your life then. Not that you aren't attractive now, but go with me on this. I am not trying to hurt feelings or insult anyone here. Compare what you were happy doing then to what you are doing now. What changed? Why did it change? Are those the things you would still like to be doing? Why aren't you?
Of course hanging out at Frat parties is probably not something you would want to be doing now because tastes change with age. I am not talking about actual acts; I'm talking about a state of mind!!
Did you take good care of your health? We you outgoing? What were your positive attributes? Get back to them. That is taking care of yourself. That is being true to you. This concept of doing 180's in the hope of saving your marriage is bull IMHO. You need to do the 180's to save you!! If you get caught up in the 180's to save the marriage; guess what, they may turn the head of your spouse and may even bring them back. But if the 180's were not true to your core, then you will be right back in this same place again.
Happiness is a spirit as well as a choice.
When I was younger, I always took care of myself. I dressed nice, I was outgoing, somewhat responsible etc etc.
I have gone back to that. I have gotten my body back in great shape, I have become responsible again. Tonight, I have an appointment with a fashon consultant in NYC to shop for a dressy wardrobe. My health is excellent. These things have had a great impact on my self confidence and self esteem. I do share some of the things I am doing with my spouse, but her arrogance is to a level that she most likly thinks I am playing a game. A few months ago, I would have bent over backward to PROVE that I am not faking. Today, I don't care what she thinks. I have come to the realization that it's her loss not mine. I don't hate her, but I am now becoming indifferent toward her; and I still continue to do these things. What does that tell me? That these changes are indeed true and lasting. How does it tell me that? Because I continue to be the new me knowing that my marriage is over.
The irony is that I am the happiest I have ever been and she won't be around to experience it. Not that I want to rub it in to her, but the aura of happiness will attract someone again; but for right now, I am happy.
I am sad of the loss, but happy. Think of happiness as an emotional buffer; not a wall, mind you, but a buffer. As your happiness increases, the hard facts in life may hit you, but the buffer helps them bounce off and you remain stable.
Now I am just using myself as an example. I am not trying to be pompous or self-rightous or anything like that. But it took me a long time to get happy and being happy is great!! So I guess my post is just to say that the quicker you get into your own happy place, the quicker the healing comes. To wollow in the loss only keeps the pain going. Detatchment is necessary to get to happiness I feel. You can keep in contact with them if you choose; but if it upsets your life too much, then don't be in contact until you feel like you can remain stable during and after the contact. Your happiness is key here. Pursue it with fervor!! Happiness is a very postive attribute; and who cares if your spouses head is shoved too far up their *** to see it. One will come along and appriciate it when you get there. And, still yet, you may even find yourself happy just being alone!! That is topic for a later debate. LOL
Cyberdude
quote:
Kevin,
Thanks for asking this question. Chief, and the others have given some great advice.
I am guy who is probably in a MLC. What I have to say is my opinion and based on what I feel I have learned over the last 2 years.
I suspect that most people (especially men) go through a time in their midlife when they question the things they have accomplished, they look at where they are headed, and they subconsciously ask themselves is this the direction they want to continue with the next half of their lives.
I believe this is kind of a biological/ psychological stage of life that is not always able to be seen coming, and it cannot "be controlled" by the individual. I believe it can happen to all people, both great people, and not so great people. Being a good person will not help you avoid it, and may not influence how you react to it. Although many people who post on this site believe that the MLC'er makes conscious choices, and that they often make bad ones.
I believe that this "midlife assessment" is probably, by itself, a positive thing. But if a person looks about them and subconsciously sees parts of their lives that are unfullfilled, things that they wished they had done, but did not, parts of their lives that they are unhappy with, then they may respond in a way that we have labeled "MLC" .
I want to emphasize that this is not done intentionally and with clear thinking, and I am not sure why. I guess many things mother nature throws at us are not acted through with clear thought: for example adolescence, premenstrual syndrome, menopause, senility, love, depression, etc.
Anyway, I suspect that if you percieve all is in order in your life; you have a great relationship with your spouse at all levels (sexually, socially, passionately in love, getting everything you need and want, giving everything that is wanted), if your career is stimulating and rewarding, if spiritually you are satisfied, your parenting is successful, your health is good, you contribute to your community and the world and you have great friends, then a person going through MLE (midlife evaluation) may side step the crisis part and move on fulfilled and happily into the next phase of there life.
Note that I say "percieve". It is all about what you percieve. It doesn't matter if your spouse, your parents, your friends , kids, neighbors, etc think that your wife is great, your marriage is great, you are a great parent, lover, cook. If you percieve it otherwise, that is what matters. (There is a secret message here.)
Some people may not even go through the midlife evaluation phase, for whatever reason.
This all being said, I would give the following advice:
1. Be honest with yourself and really look at your relationship with your spouse. Don't sweep anything under the carpet. Don't minimize stuff for the sake of avoiding and argument. How can you make it better? Ask your spouse the same questions. I think it is really hard to do this honestly. To talk about things that can be improved can be painful and hurt to look at closely. Then try to work honestly and consistently to try to improve the weaknesses you find. If you don't find anything you are not looking hard enough or honestly enough.
2. No matter what you come up with from #1, make an appointment to see a marriage counsellor. Let them know you would like to strengthen you relationship and improve communication. All relationships can be strengthened and all communication can be improved. If you don't have a great experience at the first counsellor, see another! A professional and neutral party can bring out stuff that you may not find by yourselves.
3. Get some books on strengthening relationships. Read them together and discuss them.
- If the Buddha Married-Charlotte Kasl
- Relationship Rescue- Phillip McGraw
- Emotional Infidelity-M Gary Neuman
4. Try to live for the moment and don't live in the future. Appreciate your time together, and don't just focus on your kids, house, bills, future. Focus on the now! What is behind your wife's eyes! Who is in there? Really try to get to know the parts of your spouse that you have not looked at. You probably don't really know your wife, you only see what you want to. Think about that, because it is probably true!
5. Keep your marriage exciting. If it is not, make it exciting now.
6. Look at yourself. If you have a MLC, it will be about you. It will be about the smokescreens you set up for yourself, ways you tried to keep the peace by avoiding conflict, needs you could not see you needed or you refused to look at. During the MLC, for some reason, the smokescreens come down, the emperor has no clothes! What is working now for you may not work when the MLC hits.
Who are you? Where do want to go? Are you going there now? I would never have seen a Psychiatrist before my MLC, but now I would recommend it to everyone! Everyone has some type of baggage about the way they were raised, about how they see the world, about what makes them do things the way they do. If you can understand this stuff and see yourself and your motivations more clearly you will be one step ahead of everyone else.
I realize that a lot of this sounds selfish. about your needs, what makes you happy, what makes you tick, but if you have a MLC, this is the stuff it wil be made up of. It will be about you. It will also help your marriage. It may even be your wife that has the MLC, not you.
A few other points:
-I may be way off base, but some hints from things you have said may give some clues about you. You seem like a peacemaker. Would rather not have experimented with drugs etc in your youth, not because you were worried about your health, but because of the effect it would have had on your parents. You were, early in life, conditioned to behave so as not to hurt others.
-Also, you tend to see things in a positive light, even if they are not so positive. Be careful with this. I think it is great to have a positve attitude, but by thinking things are good when really they are not (or at the least could be better) may really be a way of sweeping things under the carpet, and at midlife this stuff comes back to bite you in a big way.
-I make these last two points because I think I was the same way: positive, trying to make everyone happy, did not like conflict, etc. I believe this is how I got burned in the end. Although I am still positive, just in a healthier way.
Final point: Although there are many similarities in MLC, there are also many differences. Your brother's situation may be very different from what could happen to you, although the end result could be the same. Be openminded, be wise, be aware of the moment and keep passion in your relationship.
Paddy
quote:And this response from his wife:
Paddy
MLC Survivor
Member # 3882
posted 04-07-2003 14:30
I would like to offer Paddy's Six Stages of Midlife Crisis or, more appropriately Six Stages of Paddy's Midlife Crisis
1. The Happy Marriage (23 years BGZ-before ground zero)
Love, youth, kids, friends, planning for the future. The usual ups and downs, but seemed to go by so fast that the bumps were not felt, the kids grew older too fast and life was good.
2. The Subconscious Struggle- Part A-No Clue (8-10 years BGZ)
I still percieved myself as being in an overall good situation. There were the usual stressors: work, teenagers, parents, bills, getting older, issues with my wife.
I kind of realized I was not quite satisfied with my life, but I could not put my finger on it. Looking back on this time I realize I was not the perfect companion, although at the time I was too focused on my own needs and struggles to see this.
I was a Dad, but still wanted to be a kid. I was a husband, but still wanted to be attractive to other women. I was pretty insecure in spite of my successes.
I was not totally satisfied, but was restless and completely unaware of the impending disaster.
2. The Subconscious Struggle, Part B-Very Slightly less clueless (0-8 years BGZ)
I was tending to focus more on issues with my spouse as the source for my restlesness. I never thought about leaving, but I began a lot of fantasizing about something different than what I had. I became more involved with exercise, music, coaching my kids (probably as a way to look for some distractions or fulfillment).
Still no thoughts of leaving, Loved my wife. Basically still clueless.
3. Fantasy Becomes Reality- Ground Zero (Tapers off over about one year)
All repressed frustration in my life seem to feel released when someone I have been fantasizing about shows emotional and physical interest in me.
The feeling is overwhelming. I imagine it feels like combining a bath in the fountain of youth, a rush of heroin reaching my brain, and the feeling of getting up on Christmas morning as a child, only better (I have only experienced Christmas morning).
I couldn't stay away from it if my life depended on it. It was a pull so strong that came out of nowhere. It was like falling from the sky, I could only go down. When you are falling, how do you stop falling down and start to fall up?
4. Can't Get Off the Train (or some trains do go both ways) (1-2 years post Ground Zero)-I still can't get off
Confusion, ambivalence. I still loved my wife and my friend of 30 years. I still had the attraction/addiction to the other woman and the fantasy of another life.
Back and forth. Cortex vs Limbic system. Brain vs heart. New vs Old. Therapy, depression, suicidal thoughts, anti-depressants. The pain and hurt of my kids and wife.
I had no Idea what I wanted or needed. I was still mostly blaming my wife for her role in this. If she had just changed, everything would have been different.
The pull from the other woman was like a drug (once I have started using I couldn't stop). I could not be honest a with my wife about contact with the other woman.
5. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for landing. (Is this grand Central or Terrapin Station?)(2 years from Ground Zero to present)
Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Things seem clearer. I see what I have given up and who I have hurt. I take more responsibility.
This has been about me more than my wife. I am no longer depressed.
I am slowly learning about myself and why this happened. I am continuing psychotherapy and have recently begun spiritual counseling.
My wife has been very patient and as understanding as a person can be. Although I try to separate myself from the other woman, I still sometimes break down and contact her and cannot always be honest about this with my wife. Although I feel like I am learning to be more honest.
The fantasy of the other woman is less a fantasy and less addicting.
I feel like I want to go back to my wife and family , but I need to know this for sure. I don't want to hurt them again, and it was also very painful for me. I want to move slowly and be sure I am ready before I commit.
I want to act out of wisdom, and not fear or guilt.
6. Stepping onto fertile ground- Feets, don't fail me now!
I'm not there yet.
If it is with my wife. It will not be the same as before, it will be better.
There will be much happiness and good, but also some sad things. I will be much wiser and will be a better companion and friend from all I have learned.
I hope to be mindful of my partner's needs and less focused on myself. I hope to work hard to keep my new relationship exciting and romantic.
I will live in the moment and not for the future.
Thanks for listening.
Paddy
quote:
soco
Member
Member # 3977
posted 04-07-2003 19:40
Hello, I am Paddy's wife. I never post, but a few of you may remember me from chat ("so confused"), although it's been 4-5 wks since I've been there.
Paddy and I are aware that we both frequent this site, although I try very hard to give him his space here, hence the reason I don't post - just come to read and learn. He gives (and gets) great advice, and I do not want to "interfere" with this in any way.
That is until now. WOW !!! What a post, huh?? I'm sure you fellow LBS's can understand why I continue to do my best to wait for him. He is an amazing person!
Ultimately, I hope WE decide that being together and rebuilding our marriage is the path we're going to take. Most of this choice lies with Paddy, as there is still an OW very much in the picture. He knows how much I love him and would fight to the end for "us"...
It's just that she's not invited.
I want to thank Paddy for writing this latest post. It has moved me more than my words can express, and I plan to call him now to tell him just that!
Thank you all for keeping us in your good thoughts.
SoCo
PS: If our marriage DOES work out, I am SO looking forward to my NEW and improved companion and relationship!!!
quote:
Paddy
MLC Survivor
Member # 3882
posted 06-08-2003 18:44
Hi Pat,
This is a great question. You may know that I am about 2.5 years into a MLC, and have had some insight into my situation, but I am still struggling and have not moved on either with my wife or another person. I am doing a lot of soul searching, reading, meditating, praying and both spiritual and psychological counselling.
I speak only from my situation and experience. I am not implying that these are the "right" things for a left-behind spouse to do, but I think they may help the MLC spouse to cope and work throught the crisis.
"Cope or work through the crisis"
I would like to preface my response with:
I know that anger and hurt may override a lot of the compasionate things that I feel a spouse could do. Also, I believe that over the time of a marriage and the time pre-MLC, when there may be some dissatisfaction with the relationship, that there are patterns of behavior which have developed and breakdowns in communication that cannot easily be reversed especially under the stress of a crisis situation and/or and affair.
1. If you think your spouse is in a MLC, don't point it out to him/her. Until they see it themselves they will find this as trivializing their strong emotions. Wait for them to see it themselves. Things like "I know you must be going through a hard time right now", or "I know you must be hurting as much as I am" are generally good things that won't get a person defensive.
3. Don't blame them. Even though they may have caused all the problems with their MLC, it will do no good to heap on blame. In fact, for me blame always made me focus more on my wifes role in the demise of our relationship (I guess to take the pressure and guilt off of me). When we are attacked we get defensive.
4. If there are specific things that you feel you could change about yourself and YOU WANT TO CHANGE THEM, then do it. If they are things you know contributed to the diminished feelings your spouse had for you , and you want to change them, it would help greatly if you want your spouse back.
5. Don't worry about crying or showing feelings in front of your spouse. (at least this has never had what I would call a bad effect on me).
6. Be honest. Don't play games. If you love him/her let them know (if you want to). You know how you hate games played by the MLC'er, you should be in a more grounded position than them and can play by the rules you want, presumably just being honest.
7. Don't pressure them to make a decision or set a deadline. In my opinion there is no timetable for this stuff. I believe more people (including myself once) come back before they are ready because of pressure from just about every direction. It may look good in front of the neighbors, but you will not be doing yourself any favors if you strongarm your spouse to come back on your timetable.
It is ok to have your own timetable, but I personally think that most people will know when they have had enough only when the time comes, and cannot predict that in 6 months that their feelings or ability to wait for their partner will run out.
8. Don't always ask your spouse what they are thinking or where they are with everything. I can tell you my head was up and down every day. I almost was afraid to talk with my wife because she wanted information that I couldn't give her.
9. Encourage your children to have a good relationship with your spouse. Re-uniting (if that is your goal) should not be based on guilt. Keep this to a minimum so the MLC'er can try to think clearly without piling on feelings of guilt about the kids. This is usually not about the kids. Instead of painting the picture that the MLC'er is off doing bad things and has rejected your family, let them know that often in this stage of life people get confused and make choices that can be very painful to everyone. If you look around you, there are probably examples everywhere of this. Teach your children, so if it happens to them, they will be prepared (forwarned is forarmed).
10. Don't bad mouth the other woman/man. It makes you look bad, it puts your spouse on the defensive and if anything will get them defending the person. Clearly if they felt the way you do about the other person or saw the things you see, they would not be interested in them.
11. Try to see MLC as a developmental thing that happens to people in their midlife. The spouse MLC'er did not invite this to happen to them, it has ruined their life too. If you take it as a personal attack, even if they make it seem like one, you will have more anger than if you see it for what it really is. You don't have to like it, but you are not in their head and are not going through the psychic upheaval they are experiencing.
I know I may take some heat for these comments, and you may think that I am suggesting you placate the MLC'er, but trying to be compassionate, because you can and they may not be able to, and trying to understand will make a big difference.
Paddy